


futile

by jazspers



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazspers/pseuds/jazspers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>his plan had failed again, the world was crumbling in his hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	futile

**Author's Note:**

> its literally the end of 3.0 but from kaworu's point of view

Futility.

A dreadful word. An ugly word. A word that Kaworu despised because he knew it so well. A word that he felt on his fingertips as they grazed the cold glass that parted him from the wrecking ball boy by his side. That word was what Kaworu himself seemed to embody. Futile, fruitless, forlorn, fuck everything and give up already; his mind was weary and weak and he was so tired of the scene playing in front of him.

The world broke around him in a blood red mess. He didn’t care. He couldn’t have cared less about this world if he’d tried. Fourteen years of waiting had torn into his heart and where he’d once had hope was a large hole. This was a damned world. He didn’t care. He gave up.

There was still one string left. One small, thin strand wrapped around his neck and pulled him back. It pressed up against the glass and choked out miserable, hopeless sobs that dug the hole in Kaworu’s heart deeper and deeper until he was left with nothing but a minute of his life and a year’s worth of words of condolences. Kaworu could have ended this putrid world in a heartbeat but Shinji would not have wanted that. Kaworu was stuck now.

"It’s all my fault."

It stung like venom, Shinji’s words the fangs and his emotions burning through Kaworu’s bloodstream. With fists pounding against the glass Shinji cried again. He cried for this world, though it rejected him. He cried for the friends he once had, though they all gave up on him long ago. He cried for Kaworu, and that thought alone was more painful than every death he’d ever faced.

"No, it’s because I became the thirteenth Angel. I’m the trigger." Kaworu made an attempt to console him. Though he could give up on the world, he couldn’t bare to watch Shinji kick himself any more.

Shinji still had hope. With a desperate face he begged Kaworu for a solution. For Shinji, this world was still salvageable, and Kaworu looked away with a heavy, damaged heart. Shinji still had hope for his survival and for Kaworu’s, and Kaworu could never bring himself to say the words clearly.

"Please, tell me what the right thing would be."

In his mind, Kaworu grieved. The right thing was to give up of course, but Shinji’s hope shone bright and Kaworu clung to it desperately for the sake of his own sanity. He began to speak, a string of sentences that he had gone over countless times, and hoped that Shinji could understand.

"Even if souls disappear, hopes and curses will remain in this world."

Kaworu could feel the clock ticking in his brain. His time was short. He gazed at Shinji’s face and savored it. It would be a long time until he could see that beloved face again.

"Intent is imparted to the world as information and goes on to change."

Shinji’s confusion was painted clearly on his face. Kaworu could only hope that in this world Shinji would someday hear the impact of his words, like a sudden siren going off in his head as it finally clicks. Even Kaworu allowed himself a bit of hope.

"In time, even one’s very self is being rewritten."

His time was growing painfully short and he was well aware. This was the last bit of knowledge he could impart on Shinji. This was the end of his role in this world.

"I’m sorry, this isn’t the happiness you wished for."

And he was sorry, dreadfully sorry, both to Shinji and himself. Even Kaworu dared to wish for happiness. If it could not be granted to him then he could try again, but Shinji could not. This Shinji and the Shinji before him and the Shinji that was sure to follow had only one chance. Kaworu, at the very least, wanted to save this Shinji.

"I will close the Door of Guf. You don’t need to worry about it, Shinji-kun."

These words that scratched at Shinji’s heart shot clear through the hole in Kaworu’s. One spear, and then another pierced through their stomachs, but Shinji was the only one who showed pain. Kaworu knew the worst for him had yet to come.

"Shinji-kun, you should find a place of peace and self. Fate will surely guide you."

Kaworu wasn’t sure if he was speaking or begging anymore. In his last seconds, he was desperate to ease Shinji’s trouble. The sight of the boy writhing in pain and fear in his seat did more damage than the spears piercing through his vessel.

"Don’t make that face."

Please, don’t. Do not cry for me or for this world. Don’t allow yourself to be overcome by pain here. Don’t show me how futile my efforts have been along. 

He forced a smile. Maybe, if he tried, Shinji would smile too. Maybe, hopefully, in his final second, he could remember Shinji’s bright, happy smile.

"We’ll meet again, Shinji-kun."

Kaworu’s clock stopped ticking, his actions now as meaningless as trash blowing in the breeze, and as expected, he wasn’t even granted a smile.


End file.
